Owning Your Delusions by Chessa Peak

I’ve been my own worst enemy. I’ve allowed my anger and resentment to poison my spirit and relationships. I’ve allowed myself to stay in situations that were not beneficial to my upward growth. I’ve allowed myself to perpetuate the victim mentality in my mind. I’ve knowingly enabled bad behavior in myself and others which kept us both in stasis. I’ve based logical conclusions on emotional fallacies. I’ve been blaming and accusatory. I know the hell I’ve been through is not entirely self-inflicted but in taking responsibility for my ill actions and seeing my part in my afflictive nature I am able to learn my lessons.

In the past I’ve forced myself to say I was over this or that. Truth is I just looked past it and kept truckin, never learning from my mistakes, always repeating them, and finding any way to justify my lack of whatever I perceived to be important(real or imagined). Finding any band aid that would cover up my wounds. All of these self-defeating patterns can be changed. Habit is conditioning and environment. If you are committed to living a better life you must be committed to changing yourself. Change is slow and gradual unless you have three things: enthusiasm, a sense of urgency, and a sufficient motivatior.

Look at where you are lacking in your life. What needs dusting off? What are you neglecting in yourself and your life? What are you focusing on in excess? What can you do to make yourself a better person? Perhaps you make too many excuses? Make a list of your short comings. Train yourself to recognize when you are doing them. Force yourself to slow down and pay attention to what you are feeling. Write it down and re-read your own words. I’m not saying I’m there. I still have a long way to go but I have a genuine want to change. It can be done. Teach yourself a better way. These are some of the promises I have made to myself:

1. I will never put myself or another person through emotional turmoil.
2. I will know when to graciously cut my losses to preserve my inner peace
3. I will keep with kind, considerate and compassionate people
4. I will not allow the bad behavior of others to destroy my inner peace
5. I will try always to respond with love and positivity, if I can’t I must walk away and return with a calm attitude or know when to walk away for good.
6. I will know how much of myself to give to others.
7. I will respond to inner anger and frustration with tolerance and patience
8. I will keep my negative emotional reactions to myself, this nature causes an unnecessary drain on those who love me.
9. I will not expect that others will reciprocate my good nature
10. I will maintain my integrity, ethics, grace and soul. I do this by listening to my instincts and not going against them or else all falls apart.  
11. I must avoid contact with what I desire until my mind is tamed. I have no self-control.
12. I will stay dedicated to being the woman others see me as
13. I will keep a healthy distance from those whose nature is contradictory to mine.
14. I will slowly place people in my life. I will learn about their nature before I let them in.
15. If the people I love are not interested in growing with me I will not attack them for it, I will separate myself instead.
16. I will not force a connection or closeness on another soul again, I have to save that energy for my upward growth
17. I will never again keep in my life those who hold no honor for them self or me.
18. I will base my decisions on my needs rather than my wants.
19. I will always try to wear a smile on my face and consciously try to emit kindness
20. I will keep with souls of similar frequency that nourish my spirit and distance myself from overly confused, blaming and averting souls. I naturally expel too much energy on saving the lost. This feelings should be meet with compassion and empathy only, then distance. Nothing more

If I don’t learn to stick to my guns on these things I will not make it and I want to die with that peace in my soul. This is my own personal list. I challenge you to define for yourself what you wish to become for yourself. I wish you strength and perseverance. Namaste

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Chessa Peak has been in New Mexico since the age of 4 and is an honorary New Mexican. A bartender of over 10 years in the Duke City, musician, entrepreneur, and current student at CNM, Chessa is now currently working towards her own non-profit group that will support literacy, art and music programs for Albuquerque residents and her immediate community. Having come through a negative past, her writings deeply reflect the nature of her personal struggles in an attempt to help others overcome their personal battles.

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