There are many things in life that start with a feeling. That feeling grows and becomes a thought, a concept and eventually a plan. We have preconceived notions of how we think our life is going to flow. I had all of these grand ideas of how my time in New Orleans would be spent. I dreamed of living in a specific house and have comradery with my artsy, musician roommates. I dreamed I would go to flight school and become a commercial pilot. I even had a great idea of renting out space to traveling musicians and calling it ‘The Bryd House’. They were great ideas attached to great emotions of freedom and newness. Eventually I got to New Orleans and I found out what it really had in store for me.

New Orleans held the key to opening parts of myself that were buried so deep and had been so viciously protected that I would not have been able to find them had I not decided to be starkly alone. I had to completely empty myself to really know what it felt like to be Pan. I uncovered a whole other side of myself and by un-blanketing her I realized I was capable of all of the things I had struggled with for so long. I pushed myself to the edge and at times I thought I would fall over; I knew I wouldn’t but it felt like I was hanging by a very thin and frayed thread. Often I
would fantasize about destroying everything in my way because I felt so caged up and full of rage. I found out that by being gentle with myself I would blossom and be able to function at full capacity. It is when we are not loving, understanding, and patient with ourselves that we become the most stressed and vicious.

Everyone needs space to be a person, everyone needs outlets that create momentum in their life, everyone needs down time to recharge their battery, and everyone needs kindness and love. What I found in New Orleans was how to give those things to myself. When I was able to step outside of myself and view myself as another person I found that I wanted to love myself as deeply as possible because that is when I am the happiest. We don’t realize sometimes the micro aggressions we commit towards ourselves. Sometimes this can be going out with friends when really we want to go home, drink tea, and watch a movie. Sometimes it appears as not feeding ourselves properly throughout the day because we are “too busy” to do so. Are you really too busy to value yourself enough to give your own body sustenance and energy that it needs to stay alive? I sure hope not. We want to go so fast that we forget to really be with ourselves and enjoy who we are. You are going to be your own companion for your…entire…life. Stop to enjoy that reality every once in a while and you will find that you go through your days a lot happier as a result.
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Pan Bourcier Hidalgo is a Dancer who is originally from Albuquerque, New Mexico. She has relocated and embarked on a journey of discovery in New Orleans, Louisiana. Join her as she learns about her new city and herself in Pan’s Labyrinth!

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