Onna Tuesday:
A Collection of Poems from Carlos Contreras and Hakim Bellamy
“The contents of this collection takes titles of popular Rap songs from the 80s forward and uses them as the titles of poems by Albuquerque’s Inaugural Poet Laureate, Hakim Bellamy and myself Carlos Contreras.
The connection, we were raised on these “war songs,” they became our battle cries, and from the throws of these trenches, we’ve created a reality for ourselves by continuing to use the voices given to us by those who came before us.”
Carlos Contreras – excerpt from Onna Tuesday.
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Shook Ones II (1995) – Carlos Contreras
Today I found nowhere for it to go
that feeling in my chest
the one that wells up into eyes
the one that makes me short of breath
breathe.
I kept,
telling myself
breathe
I was short of breath…
heavy chest
lots of stress
bills
family
work
hustle
repeat
repeat after me,
breathe…
I kept telling myself to do just that –
It feels like
nobody would understand
I don’t want to feel “like that”
Like this –
this isn’t easy
never has been.
Anxiety has been my
friend or lack thereof
for quite some time now –
sometimes I wish we didn’t know
each other’s names.
Sometimes I can barely remember
my own
when it comes to visit
sits on my chest and refuses to say anything
explain itself
and I can’t explain why
I can’t breathe…
I kept telling myself.
it’s in moments like these
that I can’t seem to find words –
Go figure
a poet at a loss
I’ve lost a lot of time
feeling this way.
lost some weight
lost some peace
lost a piece of myself that now seems
replaced by the puzzling nature
of being out of breath
a natural reaction and action
of survival – and it’s all I am trying to do
sometimes, when it hits –
survive
breathe…
Think about how it will all be ok
about how it all doesn’t need
to get done today –
things and people and life
can wait –
As I wait –
Today,
I waited for 3 hours
to feel normal –
and that doesn’t in any way
make me feel normal.
I wonder what inside of me
has made this my… “normal.”
I fail and or give up
before starting on finding
answers to rhetorical questions that will only
make me feel worse about myself
while hoping I haven’t passed on
the worst of myself
To my daughter –
That she will learn to
approach life with a chest that doesn’t
feel like it’s a hundred pounds heavier
than necessary – when all the sun did was rise.
My eyes dart across the room
and look for anything that will
make it stop
My mind never does
my feet never do
my mouth rarely does
except when I find myself here –
Often alone
trying to not be a burden
trying to not be found out
finding myself
out of sorts
and off kilter – the kind of day that can go fuck itself
dying to be over and it’s only 10am –
And then
at some point in those days
in this kind of day
the tide
subsides
leaving me in my own wake
worn and weathered
a little wet under the eyes
a little sore in the chest
frustrated between the ears
but grateful to still be breathing.
It’s these things that make us who we
are,
the stronger for its
or in spite of its
the
confusion
worn like a badge of honor
displayed for anyone willing to see
to listen
to ask –
I am not ok some days
and that’s ok some days
because my some days
are some folks every day – I remind
myself and say,
just breathe…
*****
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Carlos Contreras has been recognized as a national champion performance poet. He got his start in the area of competitive spoken word, or Slam Poetry. He is a Community Organizer, Community Engagement Strategist with ProgressNow and the Founder of Imma Star Productions which is dedicated to promoting Poetry, Journalism, Activism, and Humanism. He grew up and resides in Albuquerque, New Mexico. READ MORE
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From the Left Field Bleachers: Art for Art’s Sake
Right, there should be no justification to create art for simply purpose of creative expression. But what if the medium and media provided to create art are facilitated by a cause? Taken one step further, what if the moment was created on the periphery of movement? Specifically, the Black Lives Matter movement.
Making a Left at Albuquerque
In Albuquerque, New Mexico we had such an occasion arise due to the BLM protests organized to shine a light on Police Brutality and injustices by those in power, over people of color and specifically African Americans.
Let me back up a little because, this is, From the Left Field Bleachers, and we always juxtapose something from the sports world with our society at-large and use it as a starting point for conversation. I’ll start with LeBron James, the greatest basketball player of all time – GOAT. He is the greatest because much like speaking out on social issues, he began making his teammates better from the jump – the start of his career. Michael Jordan, on the other hand took longer to realize that he needed to make his teammates better in order for him to get to the next level and that didn’t happen until later in his career.
There have been some notable athletes to stand up for social causes and against injustices from Muhammad Ali, to Tommie Smith, John Carlos and Peter Norman of the 1968 Olympic Games, athletes have taken a stand at their own peril or that of their careers. For example Peter Norman was ostracized and had his life ruined by the Australian Olympic Team for standing in support with Smith and Carlos.
No Justice, No Piece of Art
Back in Albuquerque, Downtown, to be more specific, business owners along Route 66 put up plywood boards to “protect” their businesses from, among others, folks pretending to be protestors but actually trying to incite violence thereby working against the cause. Eventually artists were invited to paint on the plywood boards that covered the windows and doors of businesses, with the general effort being titled Paint for Peace. There were some amazing works of art to be sure. Colorful, creative, adventurous. and many on the theme of peace. But are peace and justice synonymous?
Lasting Peace
Semantics mean the world sometime and lets deconstruct the word peace for a second: Freedom from disturbance, tranquility. A state or period in which there is no war or a war has ended. If we unpack these first two definitions in our mind we can imagine a place of, well tranquility. I love peace. I think its should be the goal that all humans should be moving towards. But… Is peace like this dependent on justice. It doesn’t seem like it’s dependent upon any enlightenment on the part of the inhabitants of this planet. A ghost town or a nuclear bomb site provide that type of peace, haunting, fragile and temporary. If we move to the archaic definition, peace is defined as: Used as an order to remain silent. Ponder that as you continue to explore what peace means to you and what it looks like when you visualize it. Should ‘Lasting’ and ‘fundamental’ be part of the definition for peace? I believe so and I think most people do as well. These days and certainly during Black Lives Matter issues/events/protests its more effective to be explicit rather than implicit.
Fundamental/Foundational Peace is a multi-stepped approach which involves justice, equity and repatriation(s). Peace is a wonderful concept, an ideal that we can reach together, be we need to use our collective voices/platforms to explicitly verbalize the injustices in our society with the aim to rectify them immediately. Whether you are LeBron James on a global platform or one of the talented visual artists on 5th and Central, the time is now to be deliberate when standing for peace and obvious in our plan to get there. What are your thoughts?
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